Please invest in a full length mirror

So, we had an 80 degree day last week, reminding us all that summer is coming.  With summer comes hot summer days, sultry summer nights, and a million opportunities to make HUGE fashion faux pas!

1)  Your garment should not be wider than it is long!!! Just because that bandage skirt or those daisy dukes are made in an xl, it DOESN’T mean you should wear them!!!! It doesn’t make you look skinny or sexy- it makes you look like you live in a cave!  That would be why I don’t wear them!!!

2)  Shear shirts are meant to be worn with a cute cami under it- NOT a white cross your heart!  Please, I am begging you, leave the over the shoulder boulder holders for under opaque t-shirts!!

2a) Bra straps are not sexy- they are not meant to be worn as a fashion accessory.  And btw, the clear ones are not invisible!

2b)  White pants plus neon thong = what the HELL are you thinking?????

3) I don’t care what your momma told you- not everyone can wear a bikini!!! If you wish to hang in your yard in a g-string and triangle top, more power to ya! But the beach is a public place, and none of us care to see a muffin top anywhere except the local baker.  Men- this means you too! NO BANANA SLINGS!

4)  White Underarmor shorts are just that- UNDER garments. DO NOT WEAR THEM IN PUBLIC!!! Nuf said

The long and the short of it is, buy garments that fit properly, buy appropriate undergarments, and USE the full length mirror that I know you are all going to run out and buy! If you can’t bend over without blushing, if the nipple is clearly visible, if the muffin top escaped Drury Lane,  throw it in the charity bin.

Why in God’s name would I wear THOSE?????

Ok, I know they aren’t new, I know everyone knows all about them, I know they are the secret that no women want to talk about.  But I ain’t wearin’ em!!!! Of course, I am talking about Spanx.  Yes, the torture device that is somehow legalized.  Really??? When did it become a good idea to wedge the female body into a cylinder of lycra that makes them look a whole size smaller?!

It is my expert (or not so much) opinion that the “stuff” in our bodies need a certain amount of room.  The organs, the water, the muscles, and yes even the fat needs room. Now, if I mush all of them together inside this torturous garment, where does it all go???? Are my kidneys hiding between my toes? Is my stomach between my boobs?  They all have to go somewhere.

I often hear “they smooth out my bumps and lumps…” Here is an idea, buy the darn dress in the size that fits you instead of one size down, then you can breathe all night and actually enjoy yourself! I can’t tell you the number of people (and by people I mean women- I mean come on like any guy is going to ask) asked me if I was wearing them under the dress I wore last week.  Well lets see- I was able to enjoy a couple cocktails, was able to sit down at dinner and enjoy laughter and food, and was able to dance.  Gonna go with NO I wasn’t wearing them.  I simply bought a gorgeous dress that fit properly!!!!!

As with so many things in our society, it all comes down to trying to fit into someone else’s or our own warped sense of ideal.  So girls, stop trying to be the skinniest girl in the room, stop trying to wear the size you wore 2 years ago, stop wedging yourself into an uncomfortable garment that contorts you and makes you miserable!!!!  By the dress that fits, enjoy a cocktail, and BREATH!!!!

 

Ok, let ‘er rip…..

Things we REALLY need to teach our children:

1) You may be smart, but you aren’t the smartest person on the planet.  Trust me, your brain isn’t even fully developed yet, give yourself some credit that you WILL get smarter.  No, I won’t give you a “participation ribbon” for the spelling bee.

2)  You may be athletically gifted, but you aren’t the best player on the planet.  Trust me, your body isn’t even fully developed yet, give yourself some credit that you CAN get better.  No, I won’t give you a “participation trophy” for signing up for T-ball.

3) You should NEVER, EVER be a punching bag for some punk who needs to prove her or his bravado by making you feel inferior!!!!  If he makes you feel threatened, it won’t get better, it will only get worse. If she makes you feel like less of a person, it won’t get better, it will only get worse.  Yes, I will give you a shoulder to cry on for walking away.

I am so sick and tired of “tied” soccer scores, and “way to go” when the kid misspells tiger.  If we teach them young that some win, some lose, and it is OK to be themselves and to be the best that THEY can be, they will grow up standing on their own two feet, and won’t take crap from anyone. There is no ribbon for participating in a toxic relationship.  Only physical and emotional scars.

all I have to share about the Sunday game….

It would appear that I am a bigger freakin’ sports maniac than even I wanted to admit.  I spent the week of the game that shall not be mentioned telling myself that as long as it was a great game, and didn’t come down to a stupid play or a bad ref’s call, I would be ok. I grossly lied to myself.

I found myself in the last seconds of the game that shall not be mentioned SCREAMING at the QB of the second evil empire, blaming myself for those glittery boots, blaming Eric for wearing the wrong shirt, and wondering who the hell thought jello shots for middle aged adults was such a great idea!

Now, that being said, there were some highlights of the night.  Heather’s so well placed comment when the Pats had too many men on the field “Can’t they count?” Out of the mouths of babes, I tell ya.  Heidi’s ever so casual “He is not an ugly man.” during the David Beckham commercial.  “I need a flashlight!!!!!! I lost the keys!!!!” as Eric RAN to the car and back to change his shirt- TOO LATE!!! “Let’s google how to make a car bomb” Not sure who came out with that, but then there was Mike’s “Not on MY IP address! I’m not ending up on some government list!”

So, as you can see, none of the highlights had anything to do with the actual game that shall not be mentioned.  It had to do with spending a Sunday night with a great group of friends laughing our butts off in spite of what was going on w/ the NFL.  What did we expect from a game in INDIANAPOLIS??? Really?

Pink hats.. please… I’m begging you- cut it out!

For those of you who know me well, you know how much I LOVE the color pink. It looks great on my skin tone, it is a cheery, happy color, and it represents breast cancer awareness, which is my passion.  This week however, I will not be wearing pink!

I have a pink Red Sox hat (ok, like 6 of them), a pink BC hat or two, and a pink Patriots hat (or 4).  Thanks to my sistahs out there who only watch sports during the playoffs, and pretend to be HUGE fans, I can’t wear those hats this week for fear of rejection from true sport nuts.

See, I know the difference between a 3-4 and a 4-3 defense.  I know what a nickel package is and how to use it. (It doesn’t refer to weed in case you are wondering.)  I know why a player with the ball can fall down, and get back up and run again as long as an opposing player doesn’t touch him.

This does not make me a better person, it does however make me a fan of the game!  I have NO problem with women or men (although I doubt any would admit it) that say, ” I don’t understand or like football.”  I don’t get it, but I don’t have a problem.  So come to my party, make me a drink and stay out of my way of the TV.  One of my favorite people is proud to say she will not drink beer or enjoy football ever again.  Love her for it.

So if you don’t love the game, and you haven’t scored an invite to my house because you are one of my favorite people, leave your pink hat at home and sip wine watching Real Housewives.

Oh, and take notes to fill me in- it is one of my favorite shows!

You knew it had to happen

Alright, alright, alright! I will stop posting pics of shoes on facebook every 10 minutes, stop harping about getting off your duff and exercising, stop rambling on about my excitement about a low cal vodka.   Ok, so I won’t stop, I am merely moving some of my longer ramblings here.

Now it is your choice to drink from the well labeled “Lisa’s brilliant, hilarious, and expert opinions,” or you can completely ignore me.

Some days will have a theme, Tuesday Shoesday and Whine Wednesday are the easy ones, the rest may take a little thought.

Maybe I do have too much time on my hands.  Just sayin’